Some days it can feel like life is lived looking out the window at everyone else going by. What do you do when there are so many dreams in your heart and you don’t know how to walk them out? I think we all face that if we are trying to live a good life story. We are going to face conflict, have to be brave, and have to try for more than we think we can do. Especially if we want God to be involved in our story.
Humorously, I have to admit that at times, I’ve felt a little like George Costanza of Seinfeld in the last year. I have been unemployed, moved in with my parents, needed their help financially, and left the one place I felt at home. About half of my earthly belongings are in storage. I sleep on a sofa half the time after sometimes staying up too late. I long for my own place again, long for relationship, and long for enough income to support myself. But this seems to be God’s plan for the current time. I may not like it, I may not always get along with my parents, and I may not always feel worth a crap, but this seems to be the plan. And the funny thing is, I know I can trust Him.
And I write. I write in journals, I work on a book, and work part-time at a Christian book store where more than half the customers believe the King James Version to be the only reliable Bible on earth. It doesn’t seem to be part of their knowledge that this translation occurred 1600 years after the birth of Christ, it’s still the only one worth reading, they believe. I write at work, I write in my head and on little slips of paper and stick them in my journal later. I look through books at the store for inspiration and don’t purchase them. I think about writing a lot, and feel very disorganized about it when it’s not flowing. With my book project, I feel like there is stuff in me that just won’t come out yet. I want an outline. I want a plan, and it seems that God thinks it best to not give me a plan, but to teach me to trust Him even more. Okay. Maybe those pages and my faith are incubating.
I write on two blogs and have a few faithful followers. Most people just read my wordage from the Facebook link. Some of the readers have been very encouraging to me and talk about how my writing has helped them with their life. But where is it going? Surely Abraham felt this way. Surely he journeyed and wondered where the Promised Land was God had spoken of, when would he arrive, and would it have a deck or fireplace. He never seemed to lack for what he needed and neither have I. I have only lacked what I was accustomed to or what I desired. Many times, we just have to adjust to less. The transition is difficult, but actually worth it.
My trust in God has grown, but I still have these times of complaining and this unexplained feeling of loss. Or is it loneliness? But when I take my will in my hands and make it turn and obey the Lord, I start to have a different perspective. I start to remember how He has taken care of me in the past, how He has comforted me, or how He has provided friendships, money, or jobs. No, I may not have what I want yet or even what I feel God wants for me, but I know I belong to Him and that He has never taken His eyes off me.
I remember Him saying, “How could I forget you? It’s like you’re the only person I know.” I remember Him saying, “I can make you whole”, and “I am calling you to My Church around the world”, and “what you will write has never been written before”. I remember the times He’s been so near that I could almost smell Him. I remember the times when He would give me understanding or let me see His hand on my life so that I would know I was kept near.
I hold these things in my heart and read back through all those journals and remember that this life is about “my story” that God has authored before I took my first breath of air, and that He knows better than I what is needed and when. While my heart longs for more, I can know that He has me close and safe almost so that I feel the feathers under those massive wings that I abide under. He dresses me in Himself. He feeds me with spiritual food. He cleans me up when I need cleaning, and heals my broken places. I am a work in progress, as is the reader of this little ditty.
I am once again thankful and believing and feeling cherished by my King. He is the reason for my hope and my dreams.