Trapped?

Sometimes I look around and suddenly feel totally trapped.  I think of birds in cages and have an idea of how they must feel.  I am not sure what births this feeling that seizes me, but the pinnacle of it is a loneliness imprisoned, a lack of choice or ability, a feeling that I’m going nowhere fast, and the fear that it will not change.  While there’s a lack of truth in that list, it is still what comes.

I am glad God did not call me to live in a commune or a camp where people have to live so close together they can ‘reach out and touch someone’.  I don’t want to sympathize with sardines.

I suppose this is why I love big windows and walking outside for hours at a time.  I get up and the second thing I do is throw open the curtains.  (Coffee is first, of course.  A nice rain forest blend.)  I have to see out and let what is out there come in here.  I have to be part of what is larger than myself.

When something says I am without resources or possibility – then I am looking for open spaces.  I am also looking for the resources and possibility that the King has placed here for me, for that is how He operates.  He won’t leave me alone, and He also won’t leave me without resources – even if that is a faith or hope struggling for air.

I’ve worked on this piece for a couple of weeks now and had an epiphany today that this is about more than space.  This is also about time.  I am great when active – at work, with family, friends, errands, etc., but as soon as my time is “my own”, I don’t know where to step.  I feel such zeal and determination and longing for what God created me to do, but don’t know where to direct it.  God has given me this over-arching vision, but I don’t have the details yet.  If an increase in desire and frustration is a clue, the detail may be just a couple of streets over and on its way here.

I think of Daniel fasting and praying for an answer that was sent immediately, but delayed by warfare.  I refuse to give up or shut up and so I wait.  And wonder.  What am I missing?  Every day is precious to me and I want to use it for the King.  I have not felt satisfied with life in some time.  There it is again – time.  And yeah, I know Moses was 80 when God revealed the next step to him and how to get started, but since turning 50 last year, time is increasing in value to me.  Moses life at this point is not exactly a comfort, so stop telling me about Moses.  Except how he always wanted more of God.  I love that.

Life has felt like the journey of little “Much Afraid” in Hannah Hurnard’s Hinds Feet on High Places.  The point was in learning to embrace the journey the Chief Shepherd had designed for her, and learn to trust Him to get her to a place of humility and strength where her life, laid down, would be life-giving as she depended on Him.

We have this wonderful, amazing Creator who has placed us in time, place, family, and designed and gifted each of us to do spectacular Kingdom exploits.  I love that for an adventurer, a trailblazer, and a globetrotter lives in me.  I can hear my passport tapping on the inside of the safe in my closet.  It’s saying “Take me out!  I need another stamp!  C’mon – use me!”  One day, my little friend, we will go places.

When I renewed my passport, I was so sure God was sending me somewhere soon (due to an amazing vision / visitation), that I paid to have it expedited.  That was close to two years ago.  My luggage is dusty.  But my spirit is not.  For now, my assignment is where I am – in family, community, and in praying for the business where I work, the land it is built on, and the town I live in.  Which is no small task!  These things are important to the King, and so I am willing.  He knows better than I, and therefore, trapped I am not.  I am in the King’s school and in the King’s heart while this undercover work takes place.  I know that no matter what dreams I hold, no matter where I am or the time frame for today, that I am His and He is mine.  I can trust that.  This bird will fly.

 

(c) November 2011, Robin Lawrimore

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9 thoughts on “Trapped?

  1. Rosa

    Good grief….stop reading my mail! ” I feel such zeal,and determination and longing, but I don’t know where to direct it” …..I have not felt satisfied with life in a long time”…..and the passport….ahh, the possibilities of a road I’ve not been on before…Sigh. Such a great way with words,you have. I love it.

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    • Robin Lawrimore

      He certainly knows how to stir it up, and yet the stirring in combination with the waiting makes the knee and heart bow. The longer is lasts, the more easily I will say yes to whatever He requests of me. And that is good.

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  2. Ronda

    Were we separated at birth??? :o) Thank you for articulating, again, so much of what I feel. I hit 55 this year, and the yearning to leave fruit for the King is so strong it brings me to tears, often. Thank you for helping me rest in this hiddenness that can be such a frustration as I wait for promises long held to finally unfold…. in His timing, not mine (obviously!). Passports and promises… so much yet to be realized. I just don’t want to waste a day of NOW while I’m waiting for what is yet to come. Bless you!

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  3. Karolyn

    Robin, Thank you for this post. I feel like I just read about myself! I too have that undeniable pull for adventure and exploits for Kingdom purposes. I too am in a situation of time and circumstance that feels like a holding pattern – not unlike the the children of Israel in the wilderness. And, yes, I recognize the purpose of the wilderness experience to cause me to grow into the child of God that relies only on Him, grow into the redemptive design God intended, take out the Egyptian mindset as the norm, etc. I know these things and I am willing to accept that Father God is cultivating me for the seasons ahead. But, I am longing for that “distant land” just over the horizon where all that I am and ever hope to be will be perfectly aligned with His purposes for the saving of many souls alive and retrieving back for the Kingdom, “ground” that has been misused, misunderstood or simply confiscated by the enemy. I long to participate with our King in the redeeming of land and most especially family lines and individual design. Again, thank you for sharing your heart – your yearning is understood!

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  4. Julia A

    Feeling trapped is the worst feeling, aside from a thought that my King might deem me unfit to be used for His purposes (as a result of my failure at some point)- and that is worse yet.
    Currently, my world is quite contained- raising four sons and homeschooling them, being a helper to my husband.
    There are days when I wonder/long for a bigger playing field – waiting is a harder part of life, at least for me it is. In moments like that I remind myself that I am growing, I am learning and I am being equipped for what lies ahead.
    Blessings on your time and timing of your release to a new adventure!

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    • Robin Lawrimore

      Thank you for your comments, Julia. I think of your “being contained” is like a treasure hidden for a time. The things that possess your time certainly do not possess you and are certainly vitally important.

      There is always more and yes, I find waiting for it quite difficult as well. After reading “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp I find it easier to live in the moment and be thankful for what I see there. It’s like the rush slows to something manageable and I am blessed to be living in the now.

      God bless you for fulfilling the role of mother and wife – highly valued roles in Heaven’s eyes. We learn to “be” where the King places us, walking there, and He tests our hearts in it, brings welcomed transformation and moves us forward. Right on time.

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