Sometimes I look around and suddenly feel totally trapped. I think of birds in cages and have an idea of how they must feel. I am not sure what births this feeling that seizes me, but the pinnacle of it is a loneliness imprisoned, a lack of choice or ability, a feeling that I’m going nowhere fast, and the fear that it will not change. While there’s a lack of truth in that list, it is still what comes.
I am glad God did not call me to live in a commune or a camp where people have to live so close together they can ‘reach out and touch someone’. I don’t want to sympathize with sardines.
I suppose this is why I love big windows and walking outside for hours at a time. I get up and the second thing I do is throw open the curtains. (Coffee is first, of course. A nice rain forest blend.) I have to see out and let what is out there come in here. I have to be part of what is larger than myself.
When something says I am without resources or possibility – then I am looking for open spaces. I am also looking for the resources and possibility that the King has placed here for me, for that is how He operates. He won’t leave me alone, and He also won’t leave me without resources – even if that is a faith or hope struggling for air.
I’ve worked on this piece for a couple of weeks now and had an epiphany today that this is about more than space. This is also about time. I am great when active – at work, with family, friends, errands, etc., but as soon as my time is “my own”, I don’t know where to step. I feel such zeal and determination and longing for what God created me to do, but don’t know where to direct it. God has given me this over-arching vision, but I don’t have the details yet. If an increase in desire and frustration is a clue, the detail may be just a couple of streets over and on its way here.
I think of Daniel fasting and praying for an answer that was sent immediately, but delayed by warfare. I refuse to give up or shut up and so I wait. And wonder. What am I missing? Every day is precious to me and I want to use it for the King. I have not felt satisfied with life in some time. There it is again – time. And yeah, I know Moses was 80 when God revealed the next step to him and how to get started, but since turning 50 last year, time is increasing in value to me. Moses life at this point is not exactly a comfort, so stop telling me about Moses. Except how he always wanted more of God. I love that.
Life has felt like the journey of little “Much Afraid” in Hannah Hurnard’s Hinds Feet on High Places. The point was in learning to embrace the journey the Chief Shepherd had designed for her, and learn to trust Him to get her to a place of humility and strength where her life, laid down, would be life-giving as she depended on Him.
We have this wonderful, amazing Creator who has placed us in time, place, family, and designed and gifted each of us to do spectacular Kingdom exploits. I love that for an adventurer, a trailblazer, and a globetrotter lives in me. I can hear my passport tapping on the inside of the safe in my closet. It’s saying “Take me out! I need another stamp! C’mon – use me!” One day, my little friend, we will go places.
When I renewed my passport, I was so sure God was sending me somewhere soon (due to an amazing vision / visitation), that I paid to have it expedited. That was close to two years ago. My luggage is dusty. But my spirit is not. For now, my assignment is where I am – in family, community, and in praying for the business where I work, the land it is built on, and the town I live in. Which is no small task! These things are important to the King, and so I am willing. He knows better than I, and therefore, trapped I am not. I am in the King’s school and in the King’s heart while this undercover work takes place. I know that no matter what dreams I hold, no matter where I am or the time frame for today, that I am His and He is mine. I can trust that. This bird will fly.
(c) November 2011, Robin Lawrimore