Fear of Success

Sometimes there’s a moment of realization of the ideas that never made it off the storage room shelf.  Ugh.  The seed is in the soil, it got a little water, and maybe even sprouted a few leaves, but never grew enough to be transplanted out of the pot it started in.  I just keep dusting it off, so I’ve asked why.  I would rather end up with a flourishing farm that feeds many over having a greenhouse full of seedlings.

I feel the familiar fire, the holy discontent burn, reminding me of the flame God lit in me years ago.  Are there road blocks holding back the vision?  I don’t like camping so I don’t want to camp where I am and become religiously content.  I want to always be discovering more of God, but.

I’m a little afraid of where it could take me.  (To where you are leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills?)  I’m afraid of falling flat on my face like some 50-year-old woman who’s just heard she’s going to have a baby.  (There is something new to be birthed in you.)  The unknown is a frightening mystery.  What if I’m embarrassed?  What if it’s really hard?  (Hasn’t it been already and you survived?  Stick close to Me and you’ll be just fine, in fact it will be the greatest adventure of you life!)

To move forward He wants me to know Him, whether this vision is earthly large or earthly small.  Total trust.  Without my knowing who He is, all my efforts are weakness.  Without my surety and clear vision that He is next to me, I will start to believe I do this alone.  It is about Him.  I am about Him.  I am because of Him.  With determination, I push aside the focus that wants me to look inward and self-judge.

This is a life of discovering the God who maintains faithfulness while changing up how He works in my life.  My house of excuses is just not going to hold up under the weight of God’s heart for me.  A wise man once said that “the devil’s relentless message is that God’s heart toward us is not good.  It is still a lie.”

So what now?  I can listen to the voices or to the Voice of the One.  I choose the One.  What resources do I need to see that I already have been given, and how do I use those resources to build?  How do I let Him bear the weight of it all?  Keep handing it over, with focus on God-sized hands and not my own.

I am trusting God to show me the building materials I already have been given, whether people, knowledge, time… could be an endless or specific list here.  Then I will trust Him to show me how to put those things together layered on the Chief Cornerstone that supports my eternal weight. 

As much as I want to live this amazing, one of a kind story that is full of adventure with my King, I want just as much to be found close to Him, even if this story is only visible to Heaven.  I want to be rid of the slavery mindset that can never see what it has within reach – even believing it has not been given what is necessary, and embrace the mindset of my true identity as a son – one who has full reception, full inheritance, full love of the Father… and knows it full well.

I now feel encouraged by the reminder of truth.

What doesn’t cost us isn’t really worth very much.

Others have climbed here before me, but this mountain is mine.  I will talk to the wise people who have crossed my path, to seek advice and counsel, reaping from their experience.  Many are forerunners who have traveled this kind of road well, missing some pot holes along the way, and learning when they drove through others.  Experience speaks and there is much to hear and receive. I will seek the Lord’s voice and watch for His hand with expectation.

I will ask forgiveness for wanting it handed to me, easy. 

(Design is becoming evident, dear one.  Watch closely for I am about to do a new thing.  Do you not perceive it?  I am making a way where you are, bringing you what you need, opening your eyes to see.  Step by step I am showing you how to assemble what I have given.  I am for I AM.)

(c) Robin Lawrimore, February 2012